Room Quality: Slightly above average-sized and slightly better than average trappings in these turn-of-the-century-themed rooms. Overall, it feels nice, with quality beds and nice cherry furniture. It's also sort of blah. There is a nice television, which we guess is supposed to give the room a turn-of-the-century Europe feel. As does the high-speed Internet (you pay extra). There is an iron and ironing board for your housechore pleasure. The views facing Las Vegas Blvd. are great. The bathrooms are okay with marble counter tops. You won't find any extra perks, though. Just a sink, tub/shower and a toilet. We're almost positive there's a toilet in there. If there isn't, we made a housekeeper very unhappy. If you really want to fancy it up, try "Hotel32", which is what they call a boutique hotel on the 32nd floor. It's swankier, has big suites, butler service and limos, happy hours and wireless Internet for a hefty premium.

Service Quality: Fair. It's a full-service hotel that's competing for the customers who want a nice hotel, but not a ritzy one. The spa is very good. Check-in is quick considering the size, and you shoudn't have more than a half-hour wait, even during the busiest times.

What You Get Bottles of in the Bathroom: Shampoo, conditioner and lotion. Also, a bar of glycerine soap for your precious babyface. You fat cats in the suites can fix your busted buttons with the glorious sewing kits, because you get that sweetest of freebies.

Clientele: It's solid middle class all the way. You'll never see so many Camrys and Buicks as in their parking structure.

How's the Pool? It's nice without being spectacular. There are four pools in total and a 400' lazy river to float along. Plus, what they call a Brew-Pub-to-Go which means beer (not from an onsite microbrewery) and a brewpub food menu.

Table Games: Good double deck blackjack makes this a better than average place to lose your money. They also have average craps, Let it Ride, Pai Gow, and even baccarat, although it's not the real high-limit baccarat. But, if you're a high-rolling baccarat player, what the heck are you doing reading our lousy little pages? The casino gets high marks for being one large, pretty, easy to navigate room. It gets downgraded for being boring, though.

Bet Minimums: $5 and up. This may make it the best deal on the South Strip. The craps has the now standard 3x4x5x odds, and the cheap single-deck BJ has lousy 6:5 odds. This place is likely to have more open tables at low limits than anyone around here.

Machines: 2,000+ machines from nickels to $100. They have all the latest and greatest games, but the video poker selection is pretty poor. Abra-cadabra! There goes your money!

Cocktails? Fair cocktail service. The waitresses don't keep it coming too quickly, since the clientele is mostly a quiet, middle-aged, fairly well off crowd without serious drinking problems. You won't see people getting too drunk or too crazy.

Who Gets Comps? The unified slot club serves for a whole truckload of properties and pays prety decently. At the tables, it's like anywhere else on the Strip. You have to throw out $25 chips before they even notice you. $100 may get you a free room, but you have to play at least four hours and ask for it.

Andre's: Oo la la, this swanky French place just inside the front entrance has standard, rich entrees like venison, veal chop, lamb, filet,lobster thermidor and fish. It's a quiet room up a flight of stairs and it's great for romantic dining, but the prices and elegance scare us more than a loaded rifle. Little kids are not welcome. If you want to sample the food with less elegance (and price), try the cheeses and small plates in the bar.

Brand Steakhouse: Like all the ritzy steak joints in town, Brand serves everything a la carte. That means, no potato included. The chops are thick and tasty, the ambience is pretty typical.

Buffet: A completely average buffet experience awaits the unsuspecting. To be fair, it's not horrid, but it is not as good as the Planet Hollywood or Paris in the same neighborhood. Standard fare, moderate selection. Breakfast is palatable because of the made-to-order omelets.

Café: Welcome to the generic coffee shop. Well, not quite generic because they spice up the regular breakfast, lunch and dinner items, and then raised the prices. Come for the food, but stay for the ´over the e! That's how they do it in Europe, you know.

Diablo's Cantina: No doubt, the "sexy" lady devil that faces Las Vegas Boulevard is about as lame a logo as they make. It reeks of trying too hard. But that's fitting, since this place may be the lamest eatery on the Strip. Inside, this is a Mexican restaurant that also serves burgers and other American fare, all at a premium price. So, basic food without inspiration, that comes with classic rock that is way too loud. You know what they say: if the music's too loud, then the restaurant's too lame. Oh, and chips and salsa before the meal are NOT complimentary. Extra lame.

Dragon Noodle: This little Chinese place (that also serves sushi) is along a wall of restaurants and offers a semi-casual dining experience, except with sushi. Meals are a bit overpriced, but okay in taste. They've hipped this place up to an intolerable level with "mixologists" and people in costumes, so expect to pay for that silliness along with your drunken noodles.

d.vino: The lame "hip" name portends bad things for the replacement for Market City Caffe, a fine and reasonably-priced Italian restaurant. d-vino is an eatery and wine bar with just as much emphasis on the hooch as on the quite-standard dishes. Prices are still reasonable, but don't expect as good a dish of pasta.

Pub: The good news is fifty beers on tap. The mediocre news is the food, which is standard pub fare and the clean but uninteresting decor. The bad news is they won't let you have a glass of all fifty beers. At least, not at once.

Frank Caliendo: Caliendo is an impressionist, much like a few others in town, except he doesn't have puppets. Depending on your taste, that can be a good or bad thing. Expect many common impressions, including Bill Clinton, Jack Nicholson, Dr. Phil and Robert DeNiro. So, no new ground here.

Lance Burton: Abra Cadabra! Lance Burton will make things much larger than your gambling budget disappear in this spectacle of large-scale illusion. Lance puts on a popular show many consider the equal of or better than the half-eaten and retired Siegfried and Roy's. He doesn't look quite as freaky or wear silly codpieces like the boys do.

Number of TVs: About 18. one biggie, which is usually showing horse racing.

Number of Seats: About 35 for sports, 50 for race, and about 25 lounge-style in between. They aren't reserved, nor do they have individual TVs. It won't physically harm you to sit on them, but it won't make you feel like a million dollars, either.

How Many Betting Windows? About eight, with electronic signboards.

Free Drinks? Horse bettors and high rollers get the royal treatment, but don't think you're going to get a drink just standing around looking like you know the score.

Snack Bar? No, but there's a bar in the back.

Minimum Wager: $5 sports, $2 for racing.

Other Notes: The 25 lounge-style seats that grace the back and center of this unremarkable room are the most comfortable ones in here.

Number of Tables: Nine, and they all have four legs. So that's what, about, um, 36 legs.

Comfort of Chairs: Good chairs. They've got all their legs and they don't wobble, so they have that over our kitchen chairs right there.

Closed Room or Open to Casino? Closed off and plenty quiet. Not library quiet, but good enough to keep your attention focused on the game. It is a little cramped.

Game Spreads and Limits: Hold-em $2-$4, $4-$8. There is also a No-limit starting at $1/$2 with a $300 min buy-in, and then going up to $2-$5 occasionally.

Beginner Games or Classes? They offer classes at 110 am, so you better pay attention if you want to keep your dollars.

How Crowded is the Room? Thursdays through Sundays, the place stays busy. The room manager assured us the wait rarely streches past 15 minutes.

Comps? Free drinks while playing. Play four hours a day and they'll give you a $6 coupon good for food, but they won't let you eat it at the table, because they know what a slob you are. Also, five hours a day should get you the discount room rate.

How Good Are the Players? They are good. Better than the Luxor or Excalibur, but not as good as at The Orleans or Bellagio.

What Else Do I Need to Know? This is a nice-looking room with nice dark-wood paneling. Hi-hand progressive jackpot, get a 4-of-a-kind or better to qualify. The Monte Carlo offers daily tournaments plus a few sit-n-gos.