Room Quality: Rooms are spacious at about 510 s.f., and the suites are even bigger and nicer. Of course, you've got to be a freakin' Rockefeller to get a suite. Tasteful furnishings, marble floors in the john, electric drapes, and all kinds of stuff the rich are used to but we still gawk at. The bathrooms have showers separate from the tubs, so you can sit in the tub and watch someone shower like rich people love to do. They are smaller but swankier than the Venetian, and smaller and not as swanky as Wynn or THEHotel rooms at Mandalay Bay. If you join the slot club and put in your hours, they might send you some discounted room offers for slow times of year. Oh, we should not forget to mention the overpriced host fridge and three phones in every room, the robes, irons, flat-screen TVs, ginormous armoires and safes.

Service Quality: If you're throwing money around, expect primo service. This place is known for treating rich people like rich people. If you're not rich, they won't kick you out, but neither will they act very nice. Or so we noticed.

What You Get Bottles of in the Bathroom: Lots of fancy European junk, like hand lotion, shampoo and bars of French-milled soap.

Clientele: People who want you to know they are wealthy or pretend they are. The crowd tends toward a yuppie demographic, but many downscale folks come to see how the other half lives. The rumor is that they frown on people who do not dress to their high standards, but they won't stop you from going in with shorts and a "Big Johnson" t-shirt. Trust us, Matt gets away with it.

How's the Pool? Five pools with three whirlpools, and no kiddies around to splash you in the face. It's heaven for a lot of people. Some of the pools have fountains squirting out of them, for visual excitement. The very chi-chi can rent an overpriced poolside cabana and wile away the days in comfort and style. One note, don't mix up the big old fountain out front for the pool. Security doesn't think it's cute at all. The pools are heated and open year-round.

Table Games: Whatever you want, they got. Blackjack, craps, roulette, Three Card Poker, Let It Ride, Pai Gow, Baccarat. Better odds are available elsewhere, but if you want to gamble while sitting in the most comfortable chairs in the Western United States, this is the place for you. For you super-duper high-rollers, check out Club Privé. God knows, we can't.

Bet Minimums: You won't get a seat on one of the fancy leather chairs in here for less than $10, and usually it takes more, especially on weekends. Roulette has $1 chips with a $10 minimum bet. Craps is 3x4x5x.

Machines: Many slot machines of all the latest varieties from the penny on up (you have to put in dollars, though). The weird thing is how quiet the slots are. It's sort of like playing in a morgue. They have roped-off areas where the high-rollers can play for $500 a hand. The video poker selection is poor, with nobody but the $1 and up player getting anything even close to full-pay.

Cocktails? Pretty good drink service. You won't get anything for standing around gawking at the big flower chandelier, but if you're betting money, they'll be happy to cloud your judgement for free.

Who Gets Comps? Expect to be playing a lot of time at $100 a hand or more to even get a coffee shop, and a lot more before you get the fancy restaurants. Or plan to drop a ton of dollars into the slots before you'll turn anyone's head. The MGM-Mirage slot club barely recognizes lowly nickel players as human beings, and credit us for our play only thanks to lobbying by Amnesty International. Join the slot club and you might get mailings for reduced room rates, even if you hardly play.

The Buffet at Bellagio: Among the highest-quality buffet in town, but with relative prices. If you ever wanted roast duck and weird mushrooms as part of your buffet, this is the joint for you. Lunch is the best deal, value-wise. We believe, though, that if you're going to spend this much for dinner, the best buffet food in the world won't match up to a good entree at a good restaurant. The desserts are superb, however, especially the chocolate cakey thing that's crunchy and powdery. That's the official name, we think. Beware, they call the food "gourmet" on the weekends so they can raise the rates even higher. La-dee-da.

Cafe Bellagio: This coffe shop is the only place in the casino where you can get some plain old Belgian waffles without some fancy chef's name stamped all over them.

Circo: Italian food by the people who own Le Cirque. Not very cleverly named, but the food and service are both excellent. Prices also run much less than at Le Cirque. It overlooks the lake making it a romantic place to take your loved ones. We wish we had loved ones. Dinner only.

Fix: The Fix restaurant and bar serves a small but varied menu including seafood, sushi, kobe beef burgers and steaks and from dinnertime into the late evening. The food is all right, the ceiling is crazy cool.

Jasmine: Cantonese food with high price-tags, like $20-plus for entrees and an extra fee for tea. Probably not as authentic as a hole-in-the-wall in San Francisco's Chinatown, but the dining room is much nicer. Eat something from the live tank and expect to pay a premium (but it's usually worth it.)

Jean Philippe Patisserie: After dumping a bunch of money at one of the fancy eateries here, you might still have plenty of appetite for dessert. So now there's a place to dump even more money on that! They serve crepes, gelato, smoothies, plus a bunch of candy. Or you can just sneak in, pretend like you're going to buy something and take a peek at the world's tallest chocolate fountain. Don't huck a lucky penny in there unless you want to be hauled away by security, though.

Le Cirque: Like its cousin in New York, Le Cirque is top-flight but costly French grub. The restaurant overlooks the big lake out front, and gets packed in very tight with diners stretching their credit limits. A five course meal is prix fixe at more than 100 bones per person. Reservations are strongly recommended.

Michael Mina Bellagio: The seafood house is open for dinner only and is very fancy. It's located in the Bellagio's conservatory, which means flowers and plants to look at if the person you're dining with is boring or ugly. A five-course prixe fixe is over $120, unless you don't eat meat. Then it's not quite as expensive (or delicious). The room looks like you're eating in so,me really rich person's kitchen, with cabinets and shelves along the walls.

Noodles: Welcome to the world of noodles, with noodle dishes from all over Asia, along with barbecue, Hong Kong style. Prices are reasonable for the Bellagio and it serves dim sum on weekends for lunch. The rooms is kinda strange, like you're underground among tree roots.

Olives: Mediterranean food, which means lots of chicken and lamb, and hopefully some wonderful tapas. Lunch is affordable, but dinner prices are in line with other Bellagio restaurants -- in other words, as much as we pay for a hotel room.

Picasso: Oo la la, this meditaranean restaurant is so fancy it makes us blush just knowing we're even in the same city. Genuine Picasso paintings stick to the walls, while genuine Picasso-priced food sticks to your ribs. Most of the meals are served on a fix prixe basis. This joint is for folks who are really, really trying to impress someone. We hope you want to impress us sometime soon.

Pool Cafe: This overpriced cafe is standard in every way but one: It gives you a pretty nice view of the pool. So you can check out hot bikini babes and hunky, uh, Speedo dudes as you munch on your $9 croissant. Whee! Open for breakfast and lunch only.

Prime: Outstanding meats, probably among the best in town, but served in small portions and a fairly limited menu. They say the appearance is "reminiscent of a speakeasy" but we doubt there were any speakeasies this dang fancy, or in heaven, which this sort of looks like a stage prop for. If you want to spend for a sublime steak that will leave you wanting more, make reservations here.

Sensi: They call this joint one of their casual dining options, yet it's easy to pop more than $100 on a meal for two. They serve "simple" dishes of American, Italian and Asian, with quite a bit of seafood. Like almost every snooty restaurant in Las Vegas, the decor is minimalist with a lot of right angles and straight lines. There is a huge rock in the middle of the floor, though.

Snacks: Hungry for not only a quick bite but a way to lighten your wallet? Well, check out this snooty snack bar with pricey sandwiches and haughty sides.

Yellowtail: Sushi Bar and restaurant as only the Bellagio folks can do it. That means, expensively. The room has a strange bronze installment in it. the food, though, is fresh and some of the better sushi in town.

Art Gallery: Touring art exhibits, for those of you who feel guilty about visiting strip clubs and waking up in the gutter. It's pricey (usually less than $20), but a good way to spend an hour or two and purge all the dirt and gook from your soul.

The Bank: There is a lot of turnover in these ultralounges. We guess it's because they are like amusement park rides for grownups. Actually, like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, where you sit there and watch a lot of bright lights and hear loud noises. Ah, but we digress. The latest thrill ride at Bellagio is The Bank, which looks all secretive and exclusive. Really, though, it's open to anyone with an e-ticket and the need to be in the newest hip place.

Botanical Conservatory: Right past the hotel lobby, a beautiful garden sits under a giant skylight. It's pleasant, but not too relaxing because of all the people walking through it or waiting in long lines to get into the coffee shop. The plants on display change fairly frequently, and often have holiday themes. By holiday, we really mean all holidays, we're not just trying to avoid saying the word Christmas.

Fontana Bar: Enjoy live -- but not very live -- entertainment every evening. In order to get on the patio overlooking the fountains out front, they make you buy a drink. Pbbblt.

Fountains: The giant "lake" out front erupts with a water show every 15 minutes in the evenings. The fountains appear to dance, accompanied by songs ranging from Pavarotti to Gene Kelly. For a water show, it's nicer than the Waltzing Waters in Branson, Missouri, but, it's still just a bunch of water squirted into the air. For the best view, go to the patio of the Fontana Bar.

Grand Ballroom: They sometimes have boxing or concerts in the ballroom, but don't worry, the boxers aren't wearing ballgowns.

O: Like regular Cirque du Soleil, only wetter. The dancing and diving is said to be innovative and beautiful to look at, but starting at over $90 a person, it's the circus for deep pockets.

Number of TVs: Nineteen. Four of them are great big ones, composed of 16 integrated screens. These can show one event, or be broken down into smaller configurations. One or two of the monsters go for sports, and two or three for racing. There is also a separate sports lounge with 26 more screens.

Number of Seats: 150-180 or so, including some swanky lounge-type booths. Many of the seats are reserved, but not all of them. By far the most comfortable chairs in town. All of the race seats have individual TVs.

How Many Betting Windows? 15, with big fancy electronic signboards and everything.

Free Drinks? For race bettors, sure, and some sports, too. A charming smile and a tip in hand will take you a long way.

Snack Bar? There's a pricey snack bar right next door and the suits chose to name it "snacks". We're not sure if they were going for ironic or just unimaginative.

Minimum Wager: $10 sports, $2 for racing

Other Notes: Like the 21 Club in New York, you feel like a big, rich cigar-chomping hotshot watching sports here.

Number of Tables: 40 regular and 5 hi-limit tables in their very own room. If you've got the dough, you can have a little privacy. This is a non-smoking poker room.

Comfort of Chairs: High, with a bonus swivel factor! Because poker isn't much of a money-maker for the casino, they don't give you a fancy leather seat. For that you need to play slots. But they do have soft cloth chairs that are probably nicer than anything you've got at home.

Closed Room or Open to Casino? The room is closed off and also pretty isolated. The hi-limit tables are really tucked away, but the regular room, while not Walden Pond, offers plenty of quietude.

Game Spreads and Limits: 7-Card Stud: Hold-em: Omaha 8: Mixed Games (hi-lo, lo-ball, etc.), they spread from limit $4-$8 up to $30-$60 and no-limit up to $5-$10 or higher if they can get the players.

Beginner Games or Classes? No.

How Crowded is the Room? This joint can get awful crowded, but put your name on the list and they'll have you seated in half an hour or so. Well, maybe an hour for the low-limit games. Use the time waiting to take advantage of their lovely restrooms, so you can start the game relaxed and ready to win win win!

Comps? Free drinks while playing. Play four hours a day and they'll give you a food voucher. No free food--like donuts--while you play. They don't want you messing up their fancy felts with crumbs, you see.

How Good Are the Players? Among the best in Vegas. Although, at the low-limit tables you can find some suckers who just thought it would be fun to play at Bellagio.

What Else Do I Need to Know? 5-10% rake, depending on the game. Thanks to the TV, there are daily no-limit hold 'em tournaments, but they are pretty high-skill and large entry fee.